Guess what? Undertakers do!

I share an interesting true story.

A number of years ago, I met an ex-R.A.F. bomber crew member. He had many tales to tell about not only his wartime career in England, but his Australian experiences as well. He was married and had one daughter. He had not seen either wife or daughter for many years and had lived somewhat of a hermit’s life in a small country town in South Australia, writing his memoirs. Towards the end of his life, he requested me to be the trustee of his modest estate when he died. Because I did not really know the man very well I declined; however, I kept in touch with him from time to time. This included phoning him when he was in hospital during the last days of his life. It was during this period that he requested me to take care of his funeral arrangements, despite the fact I was not his trustee. He stated that he had a prepaid funeral plan.

This man, Tom, duly died. The hospital phoned me to say that the funeral business of XXX had agreed to take custody of Tom’s remains and arrange for him to be cremated in Gawler, South Australia. I confirmed this arrangement with the undertaker, and arranged to meet him, with Tom’s remains; at the Gawler crematorium at such and such a time on such and such a date. As far as I knew, Tom had only three close friends and he saw me as being one of them. The three of us agreed to meet at my home in the Adelaide Hills and then travel to Gawler together, to attend a simple pre-cremation service at the time I had arranged with the undertaker.

The day before the scheduled cremation I had cause to phone the undertaker. He was not available. He was attending another funeral and his son informed me that his father had bought forward Tom’s cremation by one day. This effectively meant that Tom’s three friends in life were to be cut off from the cremation process completely. I was extremely angry and verbally protested. The son suggested I phone his dad on his mobile at the cemetery where he was attending another person’s funeral. I did this. He confirmed that what his son had told me was correct. I became even further outraged because he had broken his agreement with me, and furthermore Tom’s three friends were being denied the opportunity to grieve appropriately. I stated that I was a professional counsellor and for this reason as well I felt my request to delay the cremation until we could all attend was fair and proper. The undertaker became similarly angry with me. He said: “Mr. Freeman, if you are a professional counsellor, you should know that I am in the garbage disposal business and as Mr. [Tom] did not appoint you as his trustee I can handle the deceased’s remains in any manner I see fit.” This made me even more furious and I told him so.

I rang around the Funeral Directors’ Association, the State Department of Consumer Affairs as well as the media, to tell them what was happening. Some one hour or so later I had a telephone call from another funeral parlour, this time in Gawler. The undertaker there said Tom’s remains would not go to the crematorium that day, but would be transferred to his parlour and be kept overnight, so we could pay our respects to Tom in the undertaker’s private chapel the next day. In other words the cremation was delayed by twenty-four hours. I expressed appreciation to the Gawler undertaker. I never heard from the original country undertaker again. We three friends of Tom attended the chapel the next day, paid our respects to the coffin allegedly containing Tom’s remains and left. I was tempted to lift a corner of the coffin to check if it was empty or not. I felt it was better not to know and leave it at that. I wanted no more trouble.

Tom’s wife and his daughter were not interested in Tom’s affairs and declined to attend the funeral service. It was not lost on me at the time just what a human tragedy was unfolding. On one hand here was a man who had lived such a rich and colourful life and on the other hand, after his death, was treated as if he had a contagious disease and was a criminal as well. It hit me that once Tom had been cremated there would be little more than Government records to show that he had ever existed in the first place. Furthermore he was not being given the common courtesy of the traditional committal words of “dust to dust”. Rather more it was “dust to garbage” I think no more needs to be said.

Readers can make up their own minds as to whether we have a cultural right to openly grieve beside the remains of a deceased person.